Saturday, May 2, 2009

Meant to be

Have you ever dreamed of what your life might be like, if things had happened differently? Or thought about the whole reincarnation thing, and wondered if you would remember something or someone, even if you were living a new, different life?

I was taking a nap. I dreamed that I was back in college, but my life was different. I dreamed that Elizabeth had never died, that my parents were still together and satisfied. I still had a relationship with my parents like the one I had as a child, one where I could call my mom about anything, thinking she could fix any problem for me, that she would be there for me no matter what. Jennifer and Kara weren't there because Elizabeth hadn't died, but I wasn't very close to her or Brad. I was far away from all of them.

I was in college and feeling so alone and wondering, who's missing? I went through all my family members, checking them against this hole in the heart, but nobody matched up. I knew there was supposed to be someone who I turned to when I needed to talk, when I needed a hug, when I needed a shoulder to cry on, who I shared everything with. But I couldn't find them. I thought Matthew for a moment, but that didn't make sense. Had I dated my cousin? The age gap was way too big. Where was my boyfriend? I visited jail, thinking, I have an uncle who's in jail, maybe I'm missing him? I got tangled in that for a while, tangled in his schemes to help get him out that made only dream-sense, but I was still so sad and frustrated.

And I woke up and knew that I was missing Matt. Matt usually plays on my laptop right next to me in the bed at night. I fall asleep with him next to me. But he was in his little office playing on his computer, so that I could take my nap. I found him and asked for a hug, and as soon as he put his arms around me, I started crying.

I've always had strange dreams. I've dreamed that I was in a group that, like Lehi and his family, found the tree of life, and felt that I gained my own spiritual message from the dream. But I feel like, with this one, that I would miss Matt, that I wouldn't be whole, if my life had gone any other way. And somehow I'd know that it hadn't gone right, because I was missing the most vital person in my life. I am so lucky to be married to my best friend and the love of my life. And I am so happy that things have turned out the way they have.

Natalee is...

baby